Why we (men) are selfish.
‘You probably wouldn’t get it anyway. Men are inherently selfish….’ I heard as I was driving. The conversation moved on, but my mind was on pause, hyper fixated on what she had just said. It seemed insulting, profound and unfair all at once. My mind went into overthinking mode.
My initial reaction was to think, ‘surely not’. Men being domineering? Yes. Harsh? Yes. But selfishness seemed like a stretch. It’s men fighting out in Ukraine, right? Isn’t war the ultimate sacrifice? And if it was the case, then women are selfish too, right? To be selfish is to be human? Isn’t that why the good book says to love others as you love yourself? If it were so natural, Jesus wouldn’t have commanded it. Right?
But when I was driving home alone, I started to think about my own life and that of my male friends and family. I thought of the conversations around mothers day we’d all had a few days before. How a couple of my friends said that they were planning to sit and speak with their Mothers uninterrupted, just letting her speak what was on her heart on Mother’s day as part of the ‘treat.’ Ironically, that was going to be part of my gift to my mother (on top of a few physical gifts). A slight tinge of guilt started to bubble up as I realised while it may not be accurate for all men, I knew it was true for me.
So when I read bell hooks ‘The Will to Change’, a book that breaks down masculinity and patriarchy (a term I must admit I’d heard a lot but had heard more about than actually read), I realised I had never really paused to think about what masculinity meant and looked like for me personally.
Being from a single-parent all-female home and going to an all-boys school, I’ve often felt like I’ve lived in-between two different worlds: undiluted, with misunderstandings on either side. My Ghanaian matriarchal extended family is also female-dominated, so family members have often spoken about what a man should and shouldn’t be from a young age. In school, what it meant to be a man (a successful man) often looked different. Since uni, churches I’ve gone to have had men’s meetings around ‘biblical’ manhood. But never in those times was I encouraged to really think about what it meant for me. Instead, it was here’s the blueprint, now follow it. Many of us (men) have never been encouraged to think about masculinity as something to define for ourselves but rather to conform to. The problem is what we’re being called to dehumanises us. It leaves us devoid of the love we need.
bell hooks, over 11 chapters, breaks down how men become who they are. Often many of us think we are our own opinions, but our actions, thoughts, ideas or beings exist in a context. A context that is imposed on us that we must, in order to grow, consciously choose to accept or reject WITHIN said context. The book is tough to read at some points. She doesn’t shy away from domestic violence, domestic homicide and male suicide.
hooks opens the 4th chapter with words that were uncomfortable to read:
“Every day in America men are violent.”
Over 11 chapters, she explains that much of male domination, frustration, power, emotional deficiencies and violence come from an inability to love and allow others to love them. An inability to live freely outside the constraints imposed on them by patriarchy. She explains how in societies, for the survival of male children, “that patriarchal culture influences parents to devalue the emotional development of boys.” Often, men learn that anger will lead to gain, and other emotions (sadness, self-pity, melancholy) will lead to loss. While recognising that all men are baptised into patriarchy, she reminds men that they are willing participants as well as they are beneficiaries. I physically laughed out loud when I read that bell hooks believes that the blues are popular with men as it’s the only outlet for them to express their pain.
I thought of my favourite artists my current favourite being RodWave. Their major songs expressed pain, loss, and fear. I didn’t know why but I loved it. hooks' explanation is the closest reason why they sell multiple records.
I compiled a list of artists that have either discussed suicide either in a song or in an interview:
Biggie, Tupac, DMX, Lil Wayne, Eminem, Lil Baby, Chance the Rapper, Kendrick, Jay Z, Big Sean, Nipsey… the list could go on. And it’s not just in America. It’s in the U.K. Only two years ago, J Hus ‘let the mask slip’ and posted about wanting to take his life.
Much of the selfishness, the strong career ambitions, the ghosting, the emotional and physical violence, the detachment of most men, as hooks describes it, much of it comes from an inability to work through pain in healthy ways other than ‘keeping it pushing’ and ‘walking on’. Pain that is caused by the events of our lives, but also failing to express and clarify our subconscious thoughts. The pain of being unable to live out unconventional dreams in peace without side eyes (like a black boy from ends wanting to be a ballet dancer instead of a footballer). Or, as hooks puts it :
”To grow psychologically and spiritually, men need to mourn… it is only when they are able to feel the pain that they can begin to heal… When a man’s emotional capacity to mourn is arrested, he is likely to be frozen in time and unable to complete the process of growing up. Men need to mourn the old self and create the space for a new self to be born if they are to change and be wholly transformed.”
Much of her book, especially chapter 10, challenged me based on one word. Integrity. Could I be someone who had the integrity to live my life unapologetically based on what I personally was created to do? Or would I succumb to demands imposed on me? That’s not to say a context doesn’t help; some desires and thoughts don’t benefit us and leave us isolated and without community. But hooks is focused on us (men) being people who love those around us boldly and unapologetically. Not being suffocated by thoughts of ‘being sarft’ or ‘being sprung’ or ‘am I rich enough to be loved’ but loving others in ways that are mutually beneficial. In society, today men who love women loudly are labelled silently and occasionally publically as being controlled. Russell Wilson, Steph Curry, Lebron James (the list goes on) all at some point have come under scrutiny for being soft or ‘that their wives are really in control’ when in reality because they aren’t all-powerful in their relationships (rightly so) they are labelled as soft.
After reading bell’s book, my ‘inherent’ selfishness was a staple of modern patriarchy. I accepted much better that I was simply playing by the rules and recognised that it was something I was conditioned and socialised into. But also accepted that I was a willing participant as it was beneficial for me. Caring solely about myself, gave me an excuse not to care about what others felt and said. Being selfish made it easier for me to gaslight, ghost and ignore women as, ultimately, the rules said I had no responsibility or duty of care to protect them anyway.
What’s so encouraging about her book is that she gives men a plan and horizon to strive for better. Much like Will Smith (the slap was a blip on his journey; check his book out for more context!) and Terry Crews (fantastic interview on the Diary of a CEO) in their respective books, growing and healing takes time but leaves you more whole having embarked on the journey rather than staying silent and stagnant. Striving to be whole and emotionally mature is the aim.
When I think of older men whose lives I aspire to embody, the African and Caribbean fathers still happily married and still in deep relationships with their kids — they are often the ones who have no issue accepting that their masculinity had to adapt. They’re the ones who have no issue taking on tasks socially associated with their spouses; they are the ones who are encouraging their wives to chase their dreams, even sometimes at their own expense. The ones who called their kids at uni to tell them how much they loved them and recognised that the role of a father is to guide, not to control or be passive. They often defied the Black male stereotype, and often they and the women in their lives are happier for it. They’re the ones who are still happily married. They are the ones who still love God loudly.
Thank you, miss hooks, for helping me see all this and RIP, man fr fr.