The Process
Trigger Warning — This article will address domestic violence, abuse and abandonment.
domestic violence.
1/3 households experience it, yet it may be, criminally, one of the least discussed topics among Millenials and Gen Z.
This is ‘Episode 1’ in a three-part series focusing on Dometic Violence and Gospel Hope.
DM/email me if you are in a violent relationship of any sort.
akwasi.atta.appiah@gmail.com
Departure
This day simultaneously was a great day and a bad day.
It was a great day because it was my 1st Grade Graduation. My first ever ‘graduation.’
It was a bad day because it’s the day my father left.
I remember it clearly as it shaped my thinking for years to come. With bags packed, I remember hugging my dad and trusting his words that he would be back soon. If I had been a few years older, I would’ve noticed packed bags are not a good indication of someone ‘showing up.’
From this day for many years to follow, I had a hope that my dad would return. I had hope that in the same way he left, he would return. But as is normal, hope fades when it is no longer justified. Hope dwindles when no one is left believing.
In-Flight Mode — a ‘Doctrine of Father’
My story is not uncommon. Fatherlessness is an epidemic in our society. I’m thankful for my mother and grandmother. In them, I was affirmed, comforted, and supported. In them, they taught me the importance of perseverance. Of looking forward and not back. But still, as J.Cole says in ‘Breakdown.’
Look, I just shed tears homie and now I ain’t too proud to admit it
Just seen my father for the first time in a minute
And when I say a minute I mean years man
Damn, a whale could have swam in them tears fam
Curt Kennedy, a pastor in America, recently shared on his podcast that as someone who grew up without a father, his idea of God as a father was extremely skewed until he became a father. The idea of God as someone who loves at all times, some who A Father that can trust at all times. Someone who will never leave you or forsake you. That person didn't have a category.
I agree with that sentiment fully. But as it is important to realise when it comes to our experiences, its never a case of dismissing them. But a case of synthesizing them with reality and what we know of the world.
My father (literal sense) isn’t a wicked man in my eyes. He was and is capable of love. I’ve seen many times, as have others. But the difficulty for children who’ve experienced and seen domestic violence isn’t good times. It’s synthesising the good with the bad. It’s the summation that is not difficult, not the individual parts. It’s adding the abandonment with the man who holds me in birth pictures. It’s adding violence to the kisses.
But God is different. At the same time, he disciplines those who he loves; he comforts them. While he gives and takes away, he remains abundant in steadfast love.
Synthesising God with what he says he is can be difficult.
But being fully known is part of the process. Being fully seen is part of the process. Being fully loved is part of the process.
Landing
Accepting that I am fully loved by God despite my upbringing, despite my ‘bad genes’, despite what I’ve seen is a daily fight. But a fight that I’m happy to say at 24, I feel I’m winning. Self-love is a prevalent topic, and I believe it to be relevant. Those who are most comfortable with themselves are not reliant on others for affection; they’re not reliant on others for affirmation, and, as such, they stand dependant on the love of God alone. For them, it isn’t People who are big and God who is small but the reverse. God is big, and People are small.
But for me, I made a breakthrough when I fully understood who God is in relation to me that his love for me, his assessment of me, his view of me trumps any other view of me that stands.
While this may sound good initially, it also carries a frightening aspect. That every evil thought, every evil deed, every evil action before him, I stand. But when you are fully known, shame as it often does isn’t allowed to multiply and grow.
Shame has an innate ability to multiply problems. It is so important to build and foster communities where shame isn’t what’s the headline act. It is why we need communities where second and third, and fourth chances are given, where sin committed against you and committed by you isn’t what leads; rather, its grace and hope that draws you. I’m glad to have found that place in local churches I’ve been a part of. I know that isn’t everyone's experience, but it has been mine.
Equally, in talking about chances, it is also important to acknowledge the importance of space and time. Space gives greater clarity; time allows for greater proof of change.
Some people should serve this space and time behind bars at the mercy of the authorities. For others, this may be in separate households. But my aim in speaking on this isn't definitive answers but around what God can do in the hearts of those who have been devastated by the effects of sin committed by them and to them.
I’ve lived long enough to understand some of the actions that my dad took. For me, the biggest mistake he made wasn’t being violent or abandoning our family, or never reaching out. His biggest mistake has been pride. Too much pride to seek help for his thought patterns. Too much pride to seek help understanding why is how he is. Too much pride to speak out about probable negative thoughts about himself. Too much pride to seek the grace of Jesus as a saviour. Too much pride not to seek out therapy. Too much pride not to be liable to human authorities.
Pride is the repeated word as pride is the root cause, and unfortunately, that same pride streak I see in myself and others. Pride prevents us from admitting we are lonely even though we feel it. Pride prevents us from admitting we are going through tough times. And pride prevents us from speaking on situations that bring us shame. So this is why for many children who have experienced DV, speaking boldly on the shame that comes from having adverse childhood’s is often the first step in healing.
Arrival
It is why I can make sense of my desire for my father alongside my fear, anger and resentment towards him. Ironically that is the most alive part of me. The part that has hope for him to know Jesus. The part that has hope for him to turn from trusting himself and rather the trust Jesus. The part that hopes for him to see his sin and the consequences of it and turn in the other direction. The part that hopes for him to feel a deep sense of love so he won’t be the ‘hurt person hurting others.’
I sometimes worry about situations and find myself ‘relapsing’ into frustration and anger but what has been of comfort to me is this.
The more I speak openly to those in deep community with me about the shame I feel from my upbringing the more free and able I am to love others better.
The better, I am at not being insecure. The better I am at not centring myself. The better I am at listening. The better I am at communication. The better I am able to overcome obstacles. The better I am at being vulnerable. It’s a journey but it feels more like an arrival now having been on the flight for so long.
To be continued…
This series is to get a conversation going on Domestic Violence and its effects in our societies today. COVID has made the issue worse. Children, Mothers and Fathers are walking around with scars that left unhealed, lead to further trauma on 3rd parties. Abuse is equal parts prevention and enabler. If any of the topic discussed in this series are pertinent, message/email me. This article series is being written as often those involved in Domestic Violence feel that it’s a road they must walk alone.
Email: akwasi.atta.appiah@gmail.com